For Immediate Release
(San Francisco)—The following press release was issued by the Office of Nancy Pelosi, former, but deposed, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives:
With the illegal alien mess again in the headlines, Nancy Pelosi believes that the American people need progressive ideas and leadership when it comes to the issue of immigration.
In order to steer America away from the subhuman quagmire that Republicans have created, Pelosi is proposing the following program to make America a more attractive destination for third world peasants to invade.
In her own words, then, Nanny Pelosi offers her greeting to illegals in America and to the remaining peasants in Mexico who have not yet invaded America, but who will do so when monthly food stamp and welfare allotments increase by at least 10 percent.
Nancy Pelosi’s Progressive Program to Fix Immigration
No Human Being Is Illegal
As Democrats, we believe that the term “illegal alien” should only be used when referring to the invasion of a woman’s uterus by an unwanted fetus, and then only as needed to provide concise language for the death certificate of the aborted interloper.
When used to describe migrants from Mexico and other Latin nations, the term illegal alien is xenophobic and morally repugnant, and is a pernicious denial of the humanness of some of the most talented janitors, housemaids, burger flippers, and fruit pickers in America.
We Democrats also object most vehemently when “illegal alien” is used as a derogatory slur against killers, MS-13 gangsters, drunken drivers, welfare cheats, identity thieves, drug smugglers, child molesters, and other future constituents who are down on their luck and in need of a helping hand, rather than a kick in the posterior.
As top Democrat wacko in the House, I have drafted redemptive legislation to add “illegal alien” and “wetback” to the list of terms that qualify as hate speech in America.
This draft is being reviewed by Mexico’s President and Congress, and will be released to U.S. House members after all comments from Mexico’s leaders have been resolved to the satisfaction of Mexico.
A Spanish translation of the draft will also be sent to the White House for President Obama to review. (He IS studying Spanish, you know!)
For the record: The preferred term for those living here, but missing a silly piece of paper or two, is “Undocumented Constituent.”
America Must Be Deportation-free Sanctuary
Tens of millions of undocumented constituents hide in the shadows of American society, afraid to assimilate because of fear of punitive action by a government that hates the color brown.
San Francisco pioneered the “Nuclear-free” zoning concept several years ago to alert the world that The City is completely free from nuclear weapons and should not be attacked.
That policy has worked beautifully, because there have been no nuclear incidents since the declaration was codified into San Francisco’s City Charter.
Using the same template of success, I hereby designate America as a deportation-free sanctuary to anyone who can prove that he/she is here from Mexico without proper documentation, who speaks Spanish, but absolutely no English, and who is destitute and in need of public services to survive.
As an added benefit, undocumented constituents who can prove they are HIV positive are also eligible for free housing, health care, and transportation in San Francisco.
These progressive enhancements will surely make undocumented constituents feel most welcome and, we hope, shadow free!
Bring Troops Home to Reduce “Pressure” on the Border
As President Obama strives to end the dumb wars started by George W. Bush, we believe that that the immigration problem in America is the result of too much “pressure” on America’s borders.
Accordingly, we Democrats intend to help our blessed president take pressure off the borders by requiring that all US troops be withdrawn from Afghanistan and sent to the border with Mexico by August 10, 2013.
At the border, our brave military troops would escort and assure safe passage for any and all Latinos wishing to invade America.
American troops would be authorized to use whatever force needed, including lethal, to prevent renegade border patrol agents and outlaw vigilantes, AKA Minutemen, from hindering the flow of undocumented constituents into the promised land.
In addition to providing escort services, our troops would be used in a door-to-door campaign to confiscate every last firearm in the unsteady hands of ordinary Americans.
Gun Control: Repealing the 2nd Amendment
As tragic circumstances in our nation continue to made quite clear, America must establish far greater legal impediments to all forms of gun ownership.
Repealing the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution is the only reasonable recourse for responsible Americans.
In addition, we Democrats strongly support a recent proposal by a Canadian journalist that would have the U.S. military go door to door to confiscate guns.
Undocumented constituents are overwhelmingly in favor of repealing the 2nd Amendment, and would make excellent door to door “confiscators” in America’s war against guns.
This is yet another reason why America must bring as many of these people into our nation as soon as possible.
Diversity and Tolerance Workshops
American citizens, particularly white Christian Republicans, can be an intolerant lot, especially when it comes to Spanish-speaking people.
A special outreach program should be established to eliminate racist thinking in bigoted whites by showing how undocumented constituents contribute to the America in so many ways.
Think about it: Were it not for undocumented constituents, America would have to fire scores of thousands of police officers, prison guards, probation officers, judges, bail bondsmen, drunk tank officers, car wash managers, and translators in our system of justice.
Without undocumented constituents there would be a calamitous oversupply of food stamps, Cuervo beer, DUI defense attorneys who speak Spanish, welfare caseworkers, ID theft investigators, and English as a Second Language (ESL) instructors.
Undocumented constituents are vital to America’s economy and white folks need to wake up and smell the refried beans!
Higher Taxes, Redistribution of Wealth
One of the gravest problems facing America in 2013 is that all the wrong people have money.
Rich, white Republicans control most of the nation’s wealth, but these people are simply the wrong people to be in control of so much wealth.
We Democrats support a progressive tax structure to level the playing field between the filthy rich and the unwashed poor.
Undocumented constituents are ALL poor and would vote unanimously to soak the rich with higher, higher, and even higher taxes!
America faces many difficult challenges. But by bringing our troops home, tearing down impediments to newcomers, repealing the 2nd Amendment, and enacting other progressive ideas, we can save America for future generations of impoverished, illegal Mexicans.
Join me and the Democrat party as we work to make America truly the “Land of the Free” for scores of millions of good hearted, hard working people of color.
Let me close with a deep and inspirational spiritual thought: God dang America!